But since tonight is his night - We’re having a roast

John, you walk with a swagger - And a grin on your face

Your wife says that in bed - You’d win any race!!

Hey, I’m just kidding - I didn’t mean one single word

But down through the grapevine - Guess what we’ve heard

You’ve just been promoted - Hey what a guy

You’re leaving for Omaha - And your secretary won’t cry!!

To say you’re abusive - One should watch you play golf

By the time you tee off - You’re standing in a trough

And how about that language - Fuck this and fuck that

A serious discussion with you - Is much more than a chat!!

Now lets cover your hygiene - Starting with your breath

Sometimes it’s so strong - You could cause someones death

And as for groping your crotch - Come on get a life

Your artillery is light - We’ve talked to your wife!!

And those stories you tell - Where you use the word Broad

Come on this is the nineties - So don’t expect us to applaud

In your own little world - You think you’re a jock

Those who’ve seen you play ball - Know that’s just a crock!!

Come on, we’re just kidding - We joke cause we love

It just happens to be coincidental - Some of it fits like a glove

Like when’s the last time - I suppose years ago

When your stomach was smaller - Are you following the flow!!

Oh come on, don’t get mad - You’re such a dear friend

We’re just having some fun - We don’t mean to offend

But what really happened - When your young secretary quit

She was mumbling about the odor - Coming from your armpit!!

Okay, I’m so sorry - We’ve all had our fun

John, you’re a real sweetheart - And you’ll be missed by everyone

Now stand up and listen - Don’t go away mad

We’ve all chipped in on a gift - And quite nice, I might add!!

You’ve been a great boss - And retirement is here

I had to take my best shot - Without shaking with fear

So I stand to present you - With a brand new golf cart

God knows that you need one - You retired "Old Fart"!!